Camouflaged Confusion

Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I’m a shoe whore. Advertisements for OnlineShoes.com show up on my Facebook page. Facebook ratted me out to the internet’s all time bigmouth, Google. They’ve found me out. Now I have ads showing up on Yahoo, GuitarCenter.com and even Internet Movie Database.

I’m not too smart when it comes to technology, so in the onslaught of these ads I’ve simply taken on a higher level of paranoia. Big brother is watching. Big brother knows the styles of shoes I like. Big brother knows I’m a shoe whore.

But one thing has given me pause to think (hey, anything that gives me pause to think can’t be all bad). When I recently clicked on the OnlineShoe advertisement I was kicked to a description of camouflaged shoes.

Okay.

Camouflaged shoes in and of themselves aren’t a bad thing; they go well with other camo clothing when you’re attempting to sneak around the woods undetected by animals that will detect you five miles off by scent alone. But these were camo tennis shoes. As I browsed further, I also found camo boots (okay, I get that), camo slippers (I guess if you want to be comfy as you sneak up on that grizzly), camo…etc.

But it didn’t end there. And the more I looked, the more I realized just how strange the world has become. I had always assumed that the purpose of camouflage was to remain undetected. Sort of like this guy: 

To say I was wrong would be an understatement of monumental proportions. Here are just a few of the camouflaged items you can buy:

Okay, these are just wrong. What the hell are you going to be sneaking up on in your (I have to say it) tighty-camo-ies? And you can thank me for not showing you the other side of these. Ew. If they have these for women (yes they do) would some women be in danger of showing a "camo-toe?"

Another odd item:

I'm actually okay with these. Yes, I know it's a double standard, but it's my blog...so there. I can imagine my wife becoming invisible in these and me having to find her by groping around. But the camo-craze doesn't end there:

Game animals would never see you coming in this. Of course, they'd be able to hear your hugely obnoxious diesel engine from ten miles away, but maybe you could sneak up on them in your tighty-camoies first and slip some earmuffs on them, then sneak back to your truck to sneak up on 'em again and get 'em. But my camo research didn't end there:

Nothing says "class" like inviting your guests to enjoy their wine in these lovely camo wineglasses. You might be careful though and not drink outdoors, just in case someone sets their glass down and it becomes invisible in its surroundings. Much better to keep the wine tasting to the room where you have the dartboard and the poster of dogs playing poker. Hey! Unscrew the cap on that Thunderbird! 2013 was a good year!

Next on our camo journey:

Again, I'm okay with these. For some reason I think they're kinda hot. I know, I know. It's the double standards thing again. Guys, if your date is wearing these, you'd better be ready to put on your best suit and wear these:

Who knows? Maybe between the camo shoes and camo wine your date will go really well, and you'll find yourselves snuggling up (or trying to find each other) on this:

(By the way, there is a small child and two Chihuahuas on the sofa...see if you can spot them).



Okay. I lied. There are no Chihuahuas. But you'd better be careful on the sofa or in nine months you could find yourself in need of one of these:

Put a baby dressed in a camo onsie (yes, they make those too) and you may never find the little critter again.

As anyone knows, you can play it safe and avoid having to purchase the above by purchasing this:

You know as immature as I am I immediately got the joke of their catchphrase. At least I think it was a catchphrase joke. Anyhoo...


This is a guitar used by the rock group "Where the Hell are We?" I'm told they sound great, buy you'll have a hard time seeing them onstage.

And finally, the camouflaged product I know you've all been waiting for:

I don't know about you, but I pretty much have all of my next Christmas gift list covered now. And I've barely wiped (sorry) the surface of what's available in camouflage. I'm trying to think of other things to camo so I can get in on this trend and make some quick cash. If you have any ideas, please contact me and we'll see if we can't make a ton of money together...wait...that's it...camouflaged money! Sweet!