William Martin
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Classic Smack-Down

8/26/2013

4 Comments

 
            Okay, I should probably start by admitting the title of this blog is a bit misleading. It implies you’re soon to read about some terrible act of violence when in fact, that’s not the case (hey, and shame on you if you’re so easily enticed by violence).

            Actually I was thinking of classic as in the literature sense.

            WAIT. HOLD ON.

            Before you think, “Oh, God. Literature? Next stop yawns-ville” give it a chance. What I propose is to burst the bubble on a couple of books you probably had to endure in high school. They are and have been considered classics. Classic? Um, not so much. I’ll only pick on a couple and tell you what your teachers would not or could not.  First up:

            “To Kill a Mockingbird”

            Already there are a lot of intellectuals (ladies mostly) who are probably trying to figure out how to give me a classic smack down. Atticus Finch, they’ll say, is the greatest literary hero…ever. But here’s the thing: most people who say it’s the greatest book ever never even read the book. They’re referring to the film with Gregory Peck. Yes that is a classic also (rightfully so) and one of the things that saves the book. There is a ton –and I mean a ton—of crap in the book that the film wisely took a chainsaw, a ripsaw and a blowtorch to.

            When people tell me how much they loved reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” I like to test them a bit by saying, “Me too! And you know, Aunt Alexandra is my favorite character!” Usually, you can tell by their expression they’re thinking of the film and not the book. Sometimes they’ll even come clean and say, “Aunt who?” The reason they don’t recognize the character is because the filmmakers wisely killed her off before they even began thinking of making the book into a film.  I’m hoping they killed her off in some slow, horrendous unspeakable way, because she is one of the most singularly annoying characters (second only to one I’ll mention in just a minute) in all of literature. Aunt Alexandra represents socioeconomic prejudice in mind-numbing amounts.

            There’s a reason Harper Lee only wrote one book. Pssst. Don’t tell anyone, but she’s kind of a crappy writer. The big scene, the trial of Tom Robinson that forever after associated Gregory Peck as Atticus, only lasts 46 pages in a paperback that is 376 pages long. The rest of the book is Lee making a point about various forms of prejudice, which is commendable, but she beats it into the ground –and I’m not talking with a shovel kind of beat it into the ground. I’m talking beat it with a shove, then take a sledgehammer to it, then roll over it with a dump truck kind of beat it into the ground. What’s worse is that much of the remaining 330 pages are filled with the annoying Aunt Alexandra. However, as annoying as her character is, she can’t hold a candle to the main character in the next ‘classic.’

            “Catcher in the Rye”
  
            If you’ve had to fight your way through this ‘classic’ before, then you will know exactly who I mean: Holden Caulfield. I think there’s a very good reason J. D. Salinger became a recluse. After unleashing the ultimate in annoying characters on society he probably thought it would be much safer behind closed doors…made of metal…three inches thick…with heavy bars and chains…and locks, lots and lots of locks.

            The novel starts with what many consider one of the greatest opening lines in all of literature. But the reality is that it opens with Holden (in a first-person narration) bitching about how he doesn’t even want to tell his story. I won’t give you the entire line (hey, that’s what Wikipedia is for), but the first eight words “If you really want to hear about it…” The thing is, within about two pages he whines, bitches, and moans so much that I REALLY didn’t want to hear about it. I get that the Holden Caulfield character embodies teen angst, depression, cynicism, isolation, etc., etc., and that it’s supposedly a reflection of society, but let me tell you this about how annoying Holden is: one of the most empathetic, sweetest, always-gives-you-cookies-when-you-see-her old ladies I know wanted to choke him out by the fourth page.  And there are 220 more pages to go.

            I’ll leave classic smack downs there for now, but may be forced to pick it up again in the future.

            Wait till you see the beating I give Huckleberry Finn.

* If you agree with my assessments on the aforementioned classics, click the ‘like’ button below and it will register your vote. If you disagree with my assessment, I’m okay with that. Just click the ‘like’ button below to record your vote. My classic software will sort it all out.  Feel free to also visit my Facebook page. I’ll try to leave something open there if you’d care to respond.

4 Comments
Kathleen
8/27/2013 09:06:31 am

So...if I were asked, I'd say "of course I read them. Of course they're classics. Of course they're like, the best books ever." I would, of course, be lying. I don't know if I read them. I'm older than dirt so I can't remember. Love that you hated them, though. That's so awesome. Same way I feel about Citizen Kane. The best film EVER MADE. Who is Rosebud? Who the fuck cares?

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William Martin link
8/27/2013 11:52:42 am

I know, right? I almost smacked on Citizen Kane on this one. So, it ends where a grown man is still hung up on his childhood sled? Get over it dude. And the close-up of his mouth whispering.."Roseeebudddd. Roseeebudddd." That's creepy enough to turn anyone away from watching a movie ever again. (Of course, it didn't help that Orson Welles ended his career (life) shilling cheap wine. Gallo, the barely-above-Thunderbird-stuff: "We will sell no wine, before its time." Never mind that its time was all of about three weeks from grape to bottle..Damn, Kathleen, you've got me all fired up again. lol

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Juliet
9/21/2013 04:21:01 pm

Goddam Catcher in the goddam Rye is so goddam full of goddams I got goddam sick after three goddam pages and nearly asked for my goddam money back, goddamit.

To Kill a Mockingbird, I did like Scout and Boo Radley and even though I read the book, really don't much remember Aunt Wossname. She was unmemorable and probably why I remember only very short parts of the book. And Gregory Peck is in most of what I do remember. Film definitely far outshines the book.

What do you make of Dracula?

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William Martin link
9/22/2013 02:28:41 am

Never read it. I was all set to read it and then this humongous wave of vampire popularity and all the (mostly) teen books that go with it hit. So I've decided to wait until it calms down so I can read it like a normal book.

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    William Martin

    Just observing, sometimes remembering, often shaking my head, then writing.

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